A Letter from Abejunio and You're Welcome

 

Hello, fellow Wizlards.  It is I, the crooner of Faer’uner.  The singer with the thinger.  We’re still workshopping.

I was sitting down last night to another meal with Maura on the Chaser – some rabbit stew – and could not stop the laughing.  Remember when Ellie and Lleyash squared off against a room full of delightful but rabid zombie critters?  Perhaps right after finding my long lost daughter, this was a high point.  And I wasn’t even there.  Just like I wasn’t there for Maura, but that’s another story (that I’ll be publishing in Baldur’s Gate Press “Deadbeat or Funky Beat: the Price of Stardom”).

We’d arrived at Firewatch Isle after a few days sail from Lleyash’s ancestral home.  I made a point to dive back down to take the skull of his father as well as Oceanus’ mom, because it looked cool and we needed answers.  Letting the boys say goodbye to their parents was nice.  I guess.  They told us little besides they were sorry for being bad dads, he loved Lleyash’s mom, and invariably there’s one bad seed out of every batch so maybe better to stop with two kids.  The sister Is a piece of work.  I wonder if I’ve slept with her.

Ninguno.  We’d sailed to the island, Ellie fervent in her prayers trying to make sure she was doing the right thing.  We saw the green sail and I’d been scrying on Jom Bovi so it was clear pursuit was still lost but only a matter of time.  As if to answer Ellie’s prayers, we happened upon a small island thanks either to my amazing eyeballs (a 20 on my shift in the crows nest) or the whimsical fates of the zephyr Halstead, taking us monkey island where Ripple tried to tech the chimps to fly aircraft while Ellie found her mother, a progenitress, and Ricardo her sworn guardian.  There was sadly only time for a goodbye as her mother was happy to get to see Ellie but now asked she fulfill her charge as the last progenitress.  She died, and Ricardo followed shortly after, burying her then taking his own life with a rather nice sword.  Ripple convinced the monkeys to let us take the sword if we would be Ellie’s Guardian.  It was a nice sword….

As I write this, I am flying on a Griffon.  One, because I am awesome.  Two, because it was another item on Maura’s bucket list and while I don’t need to worry about taking those on myself, it’s habit (see #1).  Three, because when we all saved the Sword Coast and I became more powerful, I learned I was able to summon great steeds, including rhinos and griffons.  So there has been precious little sailing for me.   I wonder if I could ride a giant squid.  Bueno.

Squids remind me of those nasty sea hags we saw at Firewatch.  I expect Lleyash will never forget that final fireball he sent to the heavens causing the wounded dragon to come plummeting back to earth.  It was majestic.  Our Chaser crew were stubbornly ineffective during that battle and apparently there was a lot of “swabbing the decks” as many soiled themselves in fear during that fight.  My only contribution to that fight was my countercharm song that helped you shake your fear and come back to your senses.  I’m sure I healed a few of you and saved your lives – I know, again! – but you’re welcome and no fue nada.   Because Lleyash has that wildness to his magic and got scared, I should have called him Wild Chicken which is the name of my favorite diner in Seton.  But those hags in the building.  Woof.  They stank.  And were ugly.  Where was I?

Oh, yes, me.  I was having a hard time keeping up with Ripple as she is a very adventurous sort which I expect means she is very dead by now.  Perhaps Oceanus or Lleyash know.  But I remember she was running around the building and sniffing out bushes as her big spotty lion and then bam.  Stinky hags.  Which just goes to show what you get by sniffing around bushes.  Am I right?  Well, I lost a bunch of ink to that invisible elemental and we all came out awesome as usual.  I drank a bunch of bad barrel juice, we climbed a tower and then Ellie just set out killing anything that moved in the keep.  Slaads.  Thuggie Zombies.  She clearly couldn’t decide if she liked frying them with the radiance of her guiding bolts or just decapitating them.  I saw Lleyash through a few big spells, and we did some good tag team counterspelling to basically make it no fun to be a bad guy that day.  It’s like they always say: “Things get hard when faced with a Wizlard.”  Or maybe that’s just at the Hangar Club.  Where was I? 

Oh, yes. Me.  I mostly enjoyed Ripple talking to the rats through the wall and learning of the shiny treasures beyond, only to fail spectacularly at smashing the wall until we had some luck and broke through to large shit room.  We also found Erin or Aaron or however we choose to remember that good soul that we did not bring back.  But I got to speak to his corpse and he gave us the yellow powder of resurrection.  So thanks.   While Ripple (now in squidy bouffant hairdo mode) and I made our way back to the Chaser with Aaron and the powder, Lleyash and Ellie squared off against zombie critters.  I would have loved to record that for posterity.  I hear the chicken was especially difficult for Lleyash.  Dinner was delicious, by the way and thank you for asking.

I know there was a trail to a cove and we took the Chaser around the back side (2…3….4).  Ripple likes talking to animals more than talking to us, so it was only a matter of time before she a agreed to a punchfest with a giant ape on the shore.  She clobbered him, he ran away, and she turned Lleyash into a Giant Ape as if to prove my point.  Still, we talked to more dead people and the next morning we got our Lilly back.  Hi, Lilly.  We missed you.  We would do anything for you.  P.s. Selune says hi and Don’t sniff stinky bushes.

FUCKING JOM BOVI. 

I mean.  Really.  We were all having a great Wizlards moment.  ¿sabes?  Just did something cool.  About to save the world.  But in that moment not really doing anything?  Wizlards Moment.  Then that fuckface with his stupid lute and band of cronies shows up.  Good work scouting, Ripple.  None of your forest friends thought to come tell you of our imminent demise?  Well, fucking white apes, then, too.

I took several of them out of commission with my new hit “If You Go” (because I’ve learned nothing beats Secada but no one knows why) and a bunch of you followed Lilly in impressive cannonballs off the port side.  As soon as that stupid bird (“Pieces of Hate”) started waking up the band, Bovi put me under.  Ellie put an arrow in his face knocking him out before Lleyash literally melted it and then the rest of his mortal life with a magic missile.  Lilly shrugged off chains both literal and I think metaphorical and embraced her “small but indestructible” nature.   Hey, did you know Jom Bovi’s lute lets me fly?  Oh right, you saw.

Flying is overrated unless you’re one the back of this majestic beast (which is one thing Maura told me not to put on my dating profile).  I haven’t named the Griffon but it will certainly NOT be Paul Rudd.  Do you remember those dire ravens?  Did you marvel at watching me glide over the chasm to secure the rope thinking, “There goes that Abe, saving our lives again without so much as a peep?”  I like to think it’s the little things, which is why I like Lilly so much.

Good job on Ellie for bleeding over everything in the scary temple to get it to work.  See, when I pick a church the one thing I want are places where the priests have to bleed a lot.  But yes, we got the door to work and the chair to work and I expect there was probably a toothbrush that was also powered by the blood of the last progenitress but instead we found one of those nasty blue dragons that I paralyzed with my psychic lance armstrong and watched it plummet to it’s death while Lilly cowered in a stairwell.  I’m awesome. 

Then we climb down and make a plan.  Three pedestals with scary gargoyle type guardians and one stone altar for the sticks.  Four Wizlards.  Let’s burn down this first guardian and go around.  Sounds great. 

Another thing about the Wizlards is that you can never be sure if it’s panic or inspiration, but the way we scattered to tackle them all and this make little headway on any but still look good doing it? Classic.   Ellie pretty much tanked the tentacle before deciding she needed to guard the first pedestal, helped by the two bravest Octopi I’ve ever met.  I wish Ripple could have talked to them to get their story.  Lilly came to stop the four armed terror on pedestal two while I went to give high fives to Lleyash and be cool and invisible brothers.  Invisibros.  We eventually got all the altars pumping around the same time Soros the Kraken showed up.  I think we should give ourselves credit for a really good ship name, no?

How Soros didn’t eat Lilly multiple times remains a mystery, though the slow spell from Lleyash and my cutting words played a part.  Ellie burned down the guardians and Marlid, but Lilly finally fell on the pedestal.  I moved to help, using her tiny frail innocent body as shield and getting her back up only to fall myself.  Then Lleyash fell at the same time the room began spinning.  Our task complete, the Kraken starts to be pulled into the Plane of Water.  Lilly pulls me to safety and gives my a few hit points.  Ellie gets a potion in Lleyash and they skedaddlepaddle out just in time.  Sadly, my car keys were in the center of that room.  Where was I?

Oh, yes. Me.  I’m flying with the Chaser to Evermeet, not the Cove.  Should you need us, you might find us there.  I’m not sure what Maura has in store, but she’s had enough of her pirate days and there’s apparently an elf prince who wants her back.  We’ll see.  Perhaps we can reform the Wizlards to put the fear of a father’s scorn in him before he tries anything foolish. 

I don’t know if Lleyash went with Oceanus to the kingdom to be the king’s sorcerer.  I don’t know if Lilly and Jelar are picking daisies and going to Lilith Fair and whatever it is gnomes do.  I don’t know if Ellie has found peace at last at Firewatch, but I know you took up the cloth (and another level in cleric) so can only hope for the best for all of you. 

What I do know is I will miss you all.  I have spend years alone, without family or much in the way of friends. Now that I have family, I feel the lack of the rest of you even sharper than before.  You are dear to me and now fixed in my firmament brighter than any star or sun to the end of my days.

p.s. Please agree to meet me at Othokent’s Island next year for Lizard Olympics.  I can’t believe I don’t have a gold medal.